This are e-mail updates from my brother - Kevin Gallagher, substitute teacher, public schools, south suburbs of Chicago:

Boy Trapped in Coat  (12/01/01)

I subbed at a Homewood elementary school this week.  I prefer the junior high, but go where needed.  I was a gym teacher for the day.  Gym teachers are at the very bottom of the teacher food chain, Somehow a guy dressed in sweat pants, tennis shoes and an Aurelio’s Pizza t-shirt commands very little respect.

Third period I noticed a 3rd grade boy standing there with his winter coat on, getting ready to do warm-ups.  I asked him if he would prefer to take his coat off.  He says, “Can’t.  It’s stuck.”  It turns out the zipper is broken and he’s been a prisoner since he arrived over an hour ago. Nobody has been able to get it off him. He tells me his name is Jack, but his real name is John.  He looks just like my Jack, freckles and dark hair.

The best part (or worst), he’s been chewing on the zipper for an hour and it’s all slobbery!  I pull and yank for a while, readjust the teeth of the zipper and off it comes.  His face lights up, some girl yells, “you’re free!”  Little Jack says, "thanks, mister."

I’m a hero.  I go wash my hands.

Mr. Gallagher

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Making Tough Decisions  (11/03/01)

I survived another day of substitute teaching yesterday.  I don't think you realize some of the tough decisions I have to make.  Here are some of the examples.

1.  Sudden outbreak of uncontrollable farting.
This item is number one for a reason and dreaded by all subs.  A group of 4 boys, usually in the back of the room, one making discrete farting noises, the other 3 pretending they can't stand the smell. Solution- Ask the 'farter' if he all right, what did he have for lunch and would he like to go see the nurse?  Things settle down quickly, no one wants to be known as having a farting problem.

2.  Impossible / Improbable requests
"Can I go down to Mr. Peterson's class and have him sign this permission slip, which has to be done by 10:30 or the principal won't let the Spanish club buy new band uniforms?"  These kind of questions pop up 3-4 times a class.  Usually the questioner is some angelic looking 14 year-old.  This requires a quick decision.  "No".  It turns out it can wait until after class.

So far the secret is to just talk to them.  Ask for their help in deciding what to do with my 14 year old daughter.  Make it look like your on their side and not the other teachers.  Ask them when they are getting their driver's license.  Ask them to explain paintball, burning CDs, why they can't have cell phones at school, best pizza in town, quality of food in cafeteria and why having a DJ at the school dance is better than having a live band.  These topics mixed in with some actual learning make for a fun filled day.

Time to get kids up.
Signed,
Mr. Gallagher

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